FateCross Strange
by Just Some Average Dude
Summary: The Holy Grail War, a ritual in which to summon the holy artifact, seven magi and their Servants must seek for each other's blood until only one pair remain. Now, for the fifth time, this carnage will be unleashed all over agai- Is that a cartoon pig evading arrows? Wait, how a car got into that garden? Why all those girls are clinging on to Shirou? Multi-crossover, Shirou x Harem
1. Chapter 1

**Welcome, readers. This is my first Fate fanfiction and my second one in general, so I don't think it's very good, but as long as it entertains I'm happy.**

 **This will be a multi-crossover, in the sense I'll be getting Servants from other series. I've read a couple of those before but they're mostly one-shot collections, so I wanted to expand the idea. Also, this will be a comedy, this chapter isn't much of it, but I'll try the next to more lighthearted.**

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own Fate neither any of the other represented series.**

* * *

Chapter 1: In which the harem is introduced

Shirou Emiya wanted to be a hero. He certainly helped people every day, to the point of obsession. He has been scolded and told that would lead to self-destruction, but in the end, he didn't care, he will fulfil his promise to the man that saved and raised him.

That's why he will participate in the Holy Grail War.

Not long after Kiritsugu's death, he found some records on his workshop about said ritual; the summoning, the Servants, the Command Seals and even more. Shirou was interested, why Kiritsugu had these? He had no idea, but didn't care about it for the moment. However, he dismissed it shortly after reading it only occurs every 60 years and the last one took place a decade ago.

Then days ago what he identified as Command Seals appeared on his right hand and is currently in front of his summoning circle.

He thought it was strange, but quickly got to prepare for the War. It wasn't hard to put two and two and connect the previous war to the fire. Though he was below a second rate magus, he still would make sure there were no casualties, not again.

* * *

Rin Tohsaka looked at her clock. Perfect.

As much as she hated to admit it, she was glad Kirei called to pressure her to summon a Servant, which reminded her of adjusting every backward clock of her house to not miss the perfect time to do the ritual.

Not that she would tell him, mind you, he'd gladly rub that on her face constantly and the guy was already a pain in the ass.

While she didn't have a catalyst (well, there was one in her father's old workshop, but what kind of pathetic hero would a snake skin bring?), she was sure to draw the best card now that her mana was at its peak, maybe even summon a Saber!

And, oh, how much she desired to crush a twin-drilled blond.

* * *

Speaking of that, Luviagelita Edelfelt was quite proud of herself at the moment. Not only she has poured enough jewels for her to take out an army into the summoning circle for some extra power, but she did also have the perfect catalyst. It was a simple wooden staff, however, it belonged to a very powerful being, a force of nature, if you were curious.

The last time her family involved in the War, they were humiliated, even if they had Saber at their side! And in the last War? They weren't chosen to participate! (Though seeing the final result, she couldn't decide if that was good or not).

Well, not this time!

She also grinned, thinking about the face a certain twin-tail dark haired would make at seeing her Servant.

* * *

Sakura was annoyed, Zouken and Shinji didn't like it when she was annoyed.

Zouken regretted adopting the younger Tohsaka. While she had good affinity with the Makiri magic and thus provided an heir, his experiments on her… didn't provide good results.

The day he tried to turn her into a lesser Grail she snapped, failing his goal and getting most of his worms killed. He sometimes, very rare sometimes, tried to make her obey him. The results weren't pretty. He seriously was beginning to wonder if he was a masochist.

He even once tried to persuade Shinji to abuse her in hopes she would break. What was his response? "Hell no! I'm not suicidal" and for the first time ever, he could understand his grandson.

How he convinced her to summon a Servant? He forgot and maybe that was for the better.

* * *

Illyasviel von Einzbern made a creepy smile that would make the Cheshire Cat jealous.

She couldn't wait to go and kill that damn Shirou Emiya. A shame Kiritsugu was dead, she would enjoy seeing his face of terror at that replacement of herself being murdered in front of him before being next.

Old Man Acht wanted her to wait, to be completely prepared to summon a Servant of the likes of Heracles and control it on its entirety. But 10 years are already too much waiting. She fled early, it was hard to escape the tight security of the Einzbern manor, but somehow she achieved it along her maids Liz and Sella and arrived at Fuyuki.

Didn't matter to her anyway. With all the rage she has accumulated those years, she does expect to summon a Berserker. Whatever as long as Shirou got killed by her hands.

* * *

Bazett Fraga McRemitz always exposed a bit of a cold exterior, but right now, inside she was actually quite nervous.

The last War was insane, the Magus Killer was a Master for crying out loud! The large amount of collateral damage left by the Servants and that magic was on the verge of being exposed countless times, coupled with the disastrous results, it was in due time that the Mage Association would take cards on the matter.

And who else would be more qualified to be sent than one their best Enforcers who also happens to be one of the few living people with a Noble Phantasm?

Bazett tends to do most work alone, it's no secret that she's socially awkward to an extent, but now not only would she have a partner, it was going to be a legendary hero!

Whoever it was going to be, however, she had her priorities clear, she had a reputation to maintain after all.

'Please be Cú Chulainn, please be Cú Chulainn, PLEASE BE CÚ CHULAINN!'

Well, most of them.

* * *

Nope. Negative. Absolutely not. There was no way she would participate in that carnage; she couldn't dare herself to kill a pigeon, why would she do that to people?!

She looked at herself in the mirror again… the Command Seals were still there.

A cruel joke, yeah, that's it, somehow Zelretch decided to pull a prank on her and put some false Command Seals on her body… right? … Okay, it was panic time.

There were so many terms Ayaka Sajyou could describe herself as, none positive, but suicidal wasn't one of them. Participating in the War for which her sister went insane for not being selected and so in madness killed her father and herself? She'd rather face Miss Blue.

Going into her workshop, she looked at the circle her sister left. It was intact. A painful reminder of not involving herself in that slaughter. Maybe if she didn't summon a Servant she wouldn't be needed, right?

Then the author decided to be a dick and the circle began to glow.

* * *

Elsewhere outside of time and space, Angra Mainyu AKA All The World's Evil AKA The consciousness behind the Grail saw the summonings and metaphorically grinned. Two of the Masters being the children of Kiritsugu Emiya, this would be a fine opportunity to-

No, just sending Servants that would kill them on the spot would not be fun, not to mention he's probably gonna need the Einzbern to manifest into the world, he wanted chaos… wait, that's it! There were so many forms of chaos and he has yet to try this one.

The Tohsaka girl wants a Saber, the Einzbern a Berserker and the McRemitz a hero? Well, he'd gladly give them what they want. Good thing he didn't have to choice for the Edelfelt, the girl's catalyst would already give her an annoying brat, even he couldn't stand how much she ranted and complained on humans every 5 seconds.

Sending to the Emiya a villain or his future self would be entertaining, but from what he has read on the records of the life of Counter-Guardian EMIYA, specifically on his… "Experience with women" causing chaos to the pheromones of the kid sound neat.

"Now, to whom shall I send the pig?"

* * *

 **Besides who the Servants will be, I don't really have anything planned, I'm not even sure if I'm gonna make Bazett part of the harem, so expect me to make stuff as it goes on. Also sorry if my interpretation is kinda OOC. And English isn't my native language either, so sorry for grammatical and narrative mistakes.**

 **By the way, I gave some clues to Luvia's Servant, try to guess who is it!**

 **See ya next time!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Woah, 3 reviews, 18 favorites and 25 followers. That's really more than I expected. Thanks to all of you guys. Anyway, it's time to introduce the Servants, things might become a bit… messy, for our Masters.**

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own Fate or any of the other represented series.**

 **Edit (11/10/15): Decided to move this to the crossover section as it'd be more fitting.**

* * *

Chapter 2: In which the shenanigans ensue

The Grail glanced at the Servants it selected and sent them. Now it had only to sit and watch, this was going to be good.

* * *

"Servant Archer has answered to your call. I ask of you, are you my Master?"

Shirou looked at the Servant he just summoned. He was prepared to receive almost anything, what with the tales of countless heroes around the globe, from the most known worldwide like King Arthur, to local mythos that, while famous on their place of origin, might be unknown to most foreigners. Heck, he even thought of the possibility of a hero from the future! In this particular case, he hoped to see if he himself turned into a Heroic Spirit.

Somewhere Counter Guardian EMIYA sulked.

But if there was one thing he didn't even think of, that was a schoolgirl.

Her long loose hair was dark blue, her eyes were yellow, and she was a bit tall but no more than him and had a modest chest. She was wearing a standard school uniform with a light blue skirt, a jacket that matched her hair, black socks that reached to below her knees and a red bowtie.

"Master?"

Shirou was snapped from his thoughts "Sorry, Archer, right?" she nodded "I'm Shirou Emiya, and yes, I'm your master"

"Very well, our contract is sealed" she then looked at her surroundings, they were inside a dojo "I have to say, Master, I like this place already, it will be useful for practice"

"Thanks, I'm glad" he then paused and asked "Can you tell me your identity?"

Archer then put a thumb on her chin "I'm not sure Master, this era actually looks the same as mine, if I exist in this world then the enemy could get advantage of it. If I don't, it'd be useless anyway"

Shirou crossed his arms sighed "If that's the case, don't worry about it. By the way, I don't like formalities, so don't call me Master, just Shirou is fine"

"Very well then"

"Also out of curiosity…" he began to scratch his neck "what is your age?"

Archer looked at him curiously. Then her cheeks turned a bit red "16, why?" oh, so she's Sakura's age…

This is going to be awkward.

* * *

Rin looked around the room. Nothing. Did she do something wrong? No, that wasn't it, she took almost all of the cautions to get a Servant, catalysts aren't obligatory after all. She made sure to not make any mistakes in her chant either, so where was the Servant?

THUD!

"What the hell?!" she ran to the next room at hearing something fall, once entering she saw tons of her expensive furniture destroyed. But that didn't matter. No, what was actually important was the person on the middle of the debris.

It was a kid, around 10 or 12, his head was big and very round, his eyes were black, his hair blond and his ears pointy. He was wearing a green tunic with a matching pointy hat, white leggings, a brown belt with a spiral shaped golden buckle, brown boots and on his back there were a scabbard with a sword and a shield. You could say he was the image of an stereotypical elf to an extent. Oh, he was also dizzy.

Wait, a sword?

Once he recovered, Rin and he locked eyes and there was silence for at least a minute. The she asked "You, are you Saber?" he nodded.

Then she started doing a victory dance "In your face, Edelfelt! IN YOUR STUPID FACE!" after that she stopped and finally paid attention to the state of the room "You did this!" Saber shrugged, Rin sighed, she was proud but wouldn't leave a bad impression on a heroic spirit, much less her Servant "Sorry for that outburst, I'm Rin Tohsaka, your new Master, what's your name?"

Saber sweat dropped at her attitude, but then again he was kind of used to this kind of situations "Link" he said.

"Link, huh?" Rin began to think, she has never heard of a hero with such a name, oh well, the fact he was a Saber obviously indicated he will do fine "Well, Saber, your first labor will be fixing this mess"

Yep, it would be Tetra all over again.

* * *

After the smoke from the circle dissipated, Luvia was expecting a greet or any response from her Servant, instead she felt tension building up around her and turned to see what kind of Servant she got.

She was a little girl, no older than 8 or 10. Her long blond hair was tied with a vine that sprouted a purple rose, her eyes were golden and her skin almost pale. She wore a very odd dress, it looked like a plant surrounded in more vines, colored in red, pink and purple with another purple rose on her chest. She also wore sandals, green leggings and the catalyst, the wooden staff, was in her right hand. She was also angry.

But whatever her childlike appearance was, this girl had a reason to be a heroic spirit, right? "Greetings" Luvia decided to break the ice "I'm grateful you answered my call, my name is Luviagelita Edelfelt and I'll be your Master for this war. May I ask who you are?"

"I'm Caster and that's all you need to know from me" she frowned as she made her way to the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I'd rather die than being bossed around by a human, so I'm taking my leave"

"Excuse me?" Luvia was quickly getting annoyed, but she wouldn't let this girl get onn her nerves. That's Tohsaka's job after all "May I remind you there's a contract between us? Also of the Holy Grail"

"Yeah, I don't believe in any of that wish granting crap" she sounded like she had a similar experience "Seriously, you humans will kill each other for a wish? Don't make me laugh"

"Don't make me use this" Luvia revealed her Command Seals.

"Oh you wouldn't!"

"Wanna bet?"

"… OK, I get it"

"Good, now behave and maybe I will respect you" Luvia said proudly, legendary hero or not, she won't let a brat talk down to her "For starters, you can call me whatever you want" she had to start getting the trust of her somewhere.

"Hairless monkey would be fine then?"

That's when all hell broke loose.

* * *

Sakura blinked and rubbed her eyes, Zouken and Shinji did the same.

"Hi, I'm Assassin!" said the cartoon pig that stood on the circle.

… A cartoon pig, for God's sake! Not only Sakura somehow broke the rules by not summoning one of the Hassan as Assassin, but she did also summon a pig?! Zouken sighed, he wasn't going to say anything that would anger Sakura.

"Excuse me, I'm still here"

The Servant was… well, an anthropomorphic pig. What he wore couldn't be described as anything but a clown outfit. The costume covered him from head to toe (if that's what he had), it was predominantly red on the mask, shirt and boots, with blue on the pants and on the back of the shirt. The entirety of the red sections were covered in thin black stripes that made for a spider web effect, except for a large spider symbol on the back, and now that were on that, he had a smaller black spider logo on his chest. His mask had white lenses shaped teardrops with smaller ones on his nose.

Sakura stared blankly at him.

"Hello? Is anyone there? I like attention, you know?" Assassin said while waving his hand in front of her.

Then she finally spoke "Remind me how I was convinced to do this?"

Shinji replied "It was like this…"

 _Flashback_

The Matous were having dinner "So the fifth Heaven's Feel will start early" Zouken began the conversation "And as one of the founding families we should participate" Shinji knew were his gramps was going. Nope, he will not say anything while that beast in the form of his little sister was on the table. Or in the house. Or in the world of living. Or after death.

As expected, Sakura glared and Zouken began to sweat "T-there are various heroic spirits from all ages, even from the future!" he said nervously, she kept that look "Didn't that kid, Emiya, wanted to be a hero?" and then her look was now of curiosity "Who knows, maybe he became one in the future! Shame we will never know"

Somewhere Counter Guardian EMIYA sulked.

"When did you said it would start?"

 _Flashback end_

"Thanks, Nii-san" Sakura said as she left the basement with a big smile. Shinji stared at the bloody pulp that was Zouken.

"HEY, DON'T IGNORE ME!"

* * *

"Sella~"

"Yes, mistress?"

"Can you explain where is my Servant?"

Illya said with a childish tone and her "if you don't, I'll rip your intestines and strangle you with them" smile.

"If I knew, I gladly would" the three homunculus stared at what was summoned. There was no Servant, but instead there were some construction vehicles.

They were six in total, a front end loader, a mobile crane, a bulldozer, an excavator, a dump truck and a cement mixer truck. They were all of a bright green color, with their windows and other parts purple, all of them also had an insignia of the same color that resembled an angry face, honestly, it looked like the symbol of a cartoon villain.

What the hell was she supposed to do with this?! Destroy Shirou's house and then run over and squash him to then throw his head into the cement mix and make a statue out of it where she's holding said head? Actually that was a good idea, but that's beside the point.

"Damn it, I want a Servant!"

"Oh, shut up kid. Seriously, what's with you small earthlings and your high pitched voices?"

The homunculi stopped at their tracks at hearing a male voice, Liz then got a giant scythe out of nowhere "Who are you? Show yourself!" Sella demanded.

"Are you really that stupid? We're here!" they looked at the voice source, the construction vehicles, they started to change their shape, separating and reassembling parts, until in place of the vehicles stood six giant robots. The one that used to be the front loader walked to Illya and spoke.

"We are Servant Berserker"

Berserker? Giant robots? We? Illya smiled.

* * *

Oops.

The Grail was dumbfounded. It sent her the wrong Servant.

"How did that thing enter the Throne?! I thought those guys had their own spark afterlife thingy. Damn, this will be a short War"

* * *

Bazett was a hard rock to break. Despite her inner outbursts and urges, she always found a way to remain calm and retain her stoic behavior. It was hard at first, but grew used to it after the 23rd Dead Apostle she took care of. Now, even the biggest surprises and shock situations are practically useless on her.

And all it needed to shatter was one look at her Servant.

The creature wasn't any hero she heard from any myth or in history she even doubted it came from Earth. It was small, very small, like only slightly bigger than a soccer ball. It was of a deep orange color, the feet were also round and fingerless with a lighter shade. The paws it had for arms didn't have fingers either, yet somehow it got hold on a spear. The area that could only be called the face was peach colored, mouthless, with a permanent orange blush and polka dot black eyes. But his most noticeable feature? He wore a blue bandanna. No, really.

Bazett was twitching.

"You're… my… Servant?" she asked with a desperate tone, the creature nodded, then she looked at the spear "A Lancer right?" another nod, then came the question with an obvious answer "You're not Cú Chulainn, right?" and it shook his head, so that's a no.

And then she fainted.

* * *

Ayaka had her eyes shut. There was no way she summoned a Servant. She's sleep and dreaming, yeah, that's the answer to what's going on. That was when she made the mistake of opening them.

She saw a woman who looked to be on her mid 20s. Her skin was a very pale blue color, her hair was purple and her eyes were red with a yellow pigment. She wore a purple top that had the shape of a skull, a large belt on her hips that held a pistol and a scabbard, purple bell pants with a white rim that made them look like a jaw, a purple necklace with a golden pendant and large pirate hat. She also was holding a scimitar.

"Hey, you" she was definitely angry "are you the wimp that summoned me?"

"O-of course not!" Ayaka replied.

"Then what are those Command Seals between your breasts?" Ayaka then looked that her shirt was still unbuttoned and quickly hid herself in embarrassment "I suppose you're an enemy Master then" she smirked as she pointed her scimitar at Ayaka "Well then, on to spill blood early"

"W-wait, I did actually summon you!" Ayaka spouted, then covered her mouth at realizing what she said, the Servant smirk grew.

"What a shame, to have such weak Master, but I guess you'll do to supply me. For now, that is" Ayaka was shocked at cynicism this woman gave "Name's Risky Boots, this War's Rider. What about you?"

"Ayaka Sajyou" she replied as she didn't want that scimitar pointed at her again.

"You have a pretty crappy workshop, you know? It's time to do some redecorations" Just as that, a bunch of small black creatures all wearing red pants and bandanas appeared from nowhere "On to work, guys!"

Ayaka couldn't help but wonder what she did to deserve this.

* * *

 **This got a bit longer than I expected, honestly I don't really like much how Luvia and Caster turned out.**

 **I didn't find much of a reason to keep Saber and Rider's identity a secret, especially with how widely recognizable Link is. And no, Caster and Rider will not be part of the harem.**

 **Anyway, thank you all for reading, see ya next time!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Here's chapter 3, again, thank you all that have favorited and are following this story.**

 **DISCLAIMER: The Fate franchise is property of Type-Moon and the other characters used here belong to their respective owners as well (Nintendo, Wayforward, etc.)**

* * *

Chapter 3: In which I can't think of a proper title

Shirou didn't sleep well. It wasn't because of how late he went to sleep or the mana needed to make the summon successful and maintain his Servant, he was already used to that situation due to his magic training.

He couldn't sleep because a girl was in the next room.

It's not like he can't talk to girls, there was Sakura, Mitsuzuri and a few others after all, but he wasn't used to have a girl sleeping in his house. Okay, there were times were Fuji-nee and on rare occasions her friend Otoko slept with him, but that's a different case!

At least they agreed to sleep in different rooms, luckily Archer also seemed embarrassed on the idea of sleeping together.

"Good Morning, Shirou" and speaking of her.

"Morning, Archer" he replied while he got back to his favorite activity: cooking.

Then she looked at how much food he was making "No offense, Shirou, but that seems a lot for only you to eat"

"It's not all for me, I have some people coming over" well, that explained it "What would you like?"

"Thanks for your offering, but Servants don't need to eat"

"True, but remember I'm not really a good magus and like sleeping, it would help you with at least some energy"

"If you put it that way, I guess" she agreed "In that case, can you do some manjuu, please?"

"All right, I'm on it"

As she sat on the table, the front door opened and a purple haired girl stepped in, she stopped once she looked at Archer.

"Shirou! Is breakfast ready?" from the front door appeared a brown haired woman who also noticed Archer "SHIROU!"

* * *

It was really hard to calm down the tiger. Good thing Shirou already had an excuse prepared.

"So I'm the daughter of one of your father's acquaintances who's first visiting Japan and needs a place to stay?" Archer said in spirit form "How did that woman believe that?"

"Trust me, I've convinced Fuji-nee in believing dumber stuff" Shirou loved the woman like a mother/sister figure, but everyone could agree she's not the brightest person around.

"Your girlfriend didn't seem completely convinced though"

"Girlfriend?" Shirou then realized what she meant "Oh, you mean Sakura? No, she's just a friend. I got injured last year, so she has come every day to help me on chores even after healing"

"Wait, are you serious?" was Shirou really dense? She only knew the girl since two hours ago yet she could tell she was all over him.

"Actually, I do know she likes me" now that was a surprise "I maybe dense in romance, but not that much after a… certain incident involving us and a booze Fuji-nee brought one night happened" he shivered at the memories. Seriously, how much Taiga drunk to bring something like that to minors?

"Oh. I hate to butt in, but why don't you date her then?"

"It's just that…" he paused "I'm not worth it" huh? What he meant by that? "Anyway, we have to go to the Church. Today we will meet the overseer of the War"

* * *

Kirei was having a good day. Last night, all the Servants were summoned, now he only had to wait for the Masters to come and register.

If everything went according to plan, he could steal at least one of the Servants.

* * *

The first one to come was the former Tohsaka and current Matou heir.

"I'm here to register as Assassin's Master" Assassin, huh? He didn't expect the girl to summon such a grim class. Then again she was under Zouken's care. Then again the last time he saw him on the street with her he looked terrified. That was an enjoyable sight.

"Very well, mind if I see your Servant?" as long as it didn't try to rebel like his in the Last War, it'd be a useful pawn.

"I don't think so. You see…" at that moment something hit and made a hole in the ceiling, whatever it was suddenly stood up.

"Hey there, Master. Not safe to go out without me, especially with how big this city is" Kirei had to blink, was that a cartoon pig?

Sakura sighed "This is Assassin"

Kirei still stared in disbelief, an Assassin pig? Then he felt a sticky substance on his face.

"That wasn't nice, Assassin"

"He was staring at me"

* * *

Okay, Assassin was out of the question. No problem there were other six Servants, surely one had to be useful. Next one to arrive was Rin, this better be good.

"So Rin, what did you got?" he went straight to the point.

Rin stood with a pride smile "I got Saber"

Just as she said that, a kid appeared besides her holding a sword and a shield. Even with his appearance, Kirei felt from him tons of experience and even a divine power. Coupled with being a Saber, it was clear this was no mere child, he was warrior that has gained respect and shall not be underestimated.

"Very impressive" Rin's ego felt great, while it wasn't what she intended or wanted, seeing the Fake Priest amazed was an accomplishment "Looks like my lessons finally paid you off"

"Shut up" she huffed "Come Saber, I'll show you the city"

Kirei thought it was a shame he couldn't kill her yet. Having the best class at his side would've been a good change of pace.

"EDELFELT!"

"TOHSAKA!"

Then he heard a loud explosion.

* * *

The Edelfelt was the next to enter. She looked tired, with her clothes ripped and sported a few bruises. Kirei had to hold a chuckle.

"I *pant* I'm here *more pants* as the Master of *even more panting* Caster" holding that chuckle was getting harder.

"Where's your Servant, I might ask?"

It was then that he noticed she carried a child on her back, she grew a smirk as she let her go, and it grew even bigger as she hit the ground.

"Oops, my bad. This is my Servant"

"Hey! Don't act innocent, you bipedal cow!" the child said as she rubbed her head.

"Sorry, I didn't know the so great Goddess of Nature was weak to floors. That and elf boys"

"That was a surprise attack and you know it!"

Kirei watched the exchange of bickering and insults as it went on. That's it, no Caster either. He could sense a great power and sense of authority, but one thing was sure, he hated brats.

Not to mention she looked arrogant, he had enough of that with Gilgamesh around.

* * *

Kirei looked at the property damage. Besides the hole caused by the pig, Rin and Luvia's battle destroyed the Church gate and there were a few craters all over the place. He hoped the next Master would be more careful.

Then a giant purple metallic fist punched through the ceiling.

From there descended a child with silver hair and red eyes, he couldn't help but ask "Are you the Einzbern Master?"

"Correct, I'm Illyasviel Von Einzbern" she began to pat the giant hand "and this is my Servant, Berserker"

That was Berserker? Better said, that thing was a Servant? Kirei was one of the few people aware of the Grail's true twisted nature, but even for that this was ridiculous.

"I've gotta go now, must find and kill Onii-Chan. Berserker~" he heard a growl as the hand retrieved Illya.

He could check Berserker out of his list, last time he assaulted the Einzbern manor, the present Servants didn't include giant robots. He was trained to fight magi and Dead Apostles, not something like that.

He then looked at the large hole Berserker left, not only that, but he hit the ground leaving debris and destroyed benches. The Church better has the funds to cover this.

* * *

Four of all the Servants were either out of his reach or too annoying, not to mention all the damage done to the building. Kirei sighed, he knew he should've killed and steal Bazett's Command Seals when she told him of them.

Wait, Bazett! She still trusted him, so next time he saw her a backstabbing act would be effective. He really didn't dislike her, but then again, Servant.

Just as he thought that, said person entered the Church, oh what a chance has fate give to- is that really Bazett?

She looked completely depressed, walking very slowly and with her head down. Sitting on her shoulder was a round orange plushie with a bandanna, wait, it blinked, must be a familiar then.

On any other day he would've enjoyed this, but in the case this concerned the War "Who are you and what have you done to Bazett?"

She glared at him for a second before turning down again "I summoned Lancer" she pointed at the creature on her shoulder who cheerily waved its paw to say hi.

At least he was kind of right in it being a familiar.

"If you excuse me, I need to get going. I'd like to talk, but… I think you get it" he nodded and saw her go, at least that didn't end with more damage.

Then after she closed the door it collapsed.

* * *

Kirei saw the Sajyou girl approach him, odd, with her attitude she was one of the last people he expected to join the War. Her expression pretty much told she neither wanted to, she looked like a kicked puppy. He wished he had a camera right now.

"I suppose you are a Master now" she nodded.

"Is there any way I can quit?"

Kirei smirked, he knew the girl was weak, but now she was pretty much giving him a ticket to the Grail. Maybe he could spare her life until the end of the War.

"Of course, you would have to give me your Command Seals"

She sighed in relief, she didn't trust the Fake Priest, but at least she could live in her own self-loathing world at peace now. That was until a pirate ship blew the left wall.

"Hey wimp!" said a pale blue skinned pirate woman.

"R-Rider! How did you find me?!"

"We're connected, duh" compared to most Servants he saw today, Kirei was glad this one at least looked human.

"On second thought, maybe it would be better if you keep the Servant"

"WHAT?!"

"That Rider looks very dangerous, if you're able to keep her under control, you'll save a big one to both the Church and the Association" Of course that was a lie, he would dispose of having that as his, the woman smelled of nothing but trouble.

Not to mention it was obvious Ayaka was suffering, he definitely liked that.

"I've got to say, overseer, this is a nice place, a bit wrecked, but nice. It'd be a shame if, say, my men took anything of value…"

* * *

Kirei stood tired, this has been a terrible day. He fought against hordes of the pirate's familiars for what felt like hours (but was actually 10 minutes). What was left of the church was mostly taken or destroyed, oh well, at least he saw Ayaka being dragged involuntarily while shouting for help. Her screams were like music to his ears.

Well, this was troublesome. He didn't get any Servant and only Archer was left, which honestly, he didn't think would like either. Honestly, what was up with the Grail chose of Servants? Only Rider and Saber seemed like decent choices even with latter being a kid. I mean, a spoiled brat? A round thing? A giant robot? (He actually would like to have that one, but still) A pig? What was next? A schoolgirl?

It was at that moment that he saw a redhead boy accompanied by a blue haired girl. The boy quickly sprinted to him "Are you alright? What happened? Is anyone hurt?"

Kirei sighed "Yes I am, just some idiots blowing everything up and no" he presumed the girl was a Servant… and she was a schoolgirl. He could swear the Grail only revived him to mess up with his life.

"Are you that Kirei Kotomine guy?"

"Yes I am. Are you the last Master?"

The boy looked around, so that's what happened he then replied "Yes, I'm Archer's Master. My name is Shirou Emiya"

… Emiya? EMIYA!

Kirei couldn't help but smile, maybe this wasn't a bad day after all.

* * *

Gilgamesh was getting back to the Church with a bottle of wine. While the mongrels of this age couldn't do a rich and potent one like those from his era, this one was acceptable enough to satisfy him.

When he got back, he saw an unusual sight. The place was completely destroyed, on the top of everything, Kirei was doing a ridiculous dance with background music he had no idea where it was coming from. He then looked back at the bottle and stored it on his vault, no more drinking for a few days.

* * *

 **Omake**

Archer looked at the unfolding events in front of her. The woman, Taiga, was shouting to Shirou about how he couldn't have a girl in the same house. She also looked at the other girl, who she assumed was Shirou's girlfriend. She stood there frozen, staring blankly at nowhere.

She sighed, great, her Master's personal life was a ruckus.

She then looked at the dish in front of her, just like she requested Shirou, he made her some manjuu buns.

Honestly they looked average, but she knew that you had to thankful for even the smallest things in life, so she grabbed one of them and took a bite.

…

Mother of God…

Archer could only find one word that could describe the bun: Perfection.

The sweetness, the texture, the softness, the ingredients were all mixed up and prepared in a careful and expert manner, it sent shivers to her spine.

She then took another bite, the effect was the same. She could feel some heat going into her cheeks, but didn't care, she had to eat. She took another bite, then another one, and another one, each lasted enough time to taste the bun to its fullness. The result wasn't any less satisfactory.

When she tried to go for another, she realized the bun was gone, but then she saw the other ones that were left and grabbed the second. She was nervous, would her experience with this bun be like the first one? When she took a bite, she almost let a moan escape.

The process continued and she understood why Shirou wasn't a good magus: that had to be sacrificed for the Cooking God to be born.

By the time she finished, she noticed Shirou and Taiga were looking at her very strangely, like they were worried. She also had tears in her eyes, tears of joy along heavy breathing.

"Archer, I'm sorry" Shirou said a bit sad "I had to improvise your meal, so I'm sorry if it wasn't very good" you've got to be kidding me, that blessing from the heavens was improvised? Then what if… "You didn't have to force yourself to eat it"

"Shirou…" she put her hands on his shoulders and locked their eyes "More…"

"Huh?"

"I SAID MORE! MORE MANJUU!" For a moment, Shirou could swear he saw lust in her eyes.

Somehow that morning turned even more chaotic.

* * *

 **Yeah, I know I'm not being subtle with the Servant identities, especially Berserker, oh well, at least people haven't pointed all of them yet.**

 **Hope you guys enjoyed it, see you next time!**


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